Another late night

Story of my life. Living life like a normal person has so far proved impossible for me. My body, no matter what time I go to bed (though usually it's late) does not seem to physically wake up until around 1 pm. It's been throwing my forward momentum (of which there was little, but some!) completely off track. I have little to show for myself at the moment. I've been off my meds for at least a couple of weeks and while I feel guilt about it it's so easy to skip them... the Lamictal is like a horse pill. I haven't been taking my vitamins either.  I just haven't been taking care of myself across the board. I acknowledge that. I've also been dodging one of my therapists for a couple of weeks now. It just gets so easy to keep avoiding.

I realize, in my head at least, that I need to step the fuck up and take the reins of my own recovery. I have to put in the effort. But it's so hard to do that when you don't care. I want to care! Can I just force myself to care? I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "Dorothy, I care about you. I want you to be happy. Go make yourself happy." And then go make myself happy - not happy in the moment with drugs or the internet or something that will ultimately lead me nowhere real, but really happy, where i want to be with my life. Healthy, skinny, creating, working, loving, living. I am none of these right now.

I have an audition tomorrow. I haven't acted in a year and a half pretty much. I'm out of practice with my monologues, like incredibly out of practice. I will just give it what I've got right now. It might go terribly and I most likely won't get the part (only one female role), but hey... it's something. It's a baby step in the right direction.

Life update

So I haven't written in here in awhile. Lots has been going on. I moved out of the apartment I was staying at over the summer into a (less conveniently located) three apartment house with a couple of guys who I like quite a bit! It's so much nicer to live with people I feel comfortable with, and that I can actually be friends with. And I can have a dog here! I'll be starting the application process at the end of the month, and hopefully will have a canine companion in my care starting mid-late October (but I'm really not sure how long it takes, this is my first time adopting a rescue). We will see.

But it hasn't all been sunshine and puppies. The summer was stressful, I was lonely, I made an ass of myself a whole lot... oh and I went on a little bit of a drug binge with a friend of mine(honestly it wasn't as bad as you're probably thinking). I've cut back since he left the country, but I still partake. I feel a little guilt over it, but god do I enjoy it. I don't know. I have developed a significant smoking habit, like 2-6 cigs a day, which is... a lot. For me. I need to quit to protect my voice, but I don't know if I'm ready to. Maybe when I get my dog, so I have a real excuse to go outside rather than smoke. Alas.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately over the people I've hurt. There are a lot of them. I'm definitely at least two guys' psycho ex, I was shit to one of my roommates, I got someone involved in an awful situation with my ex because I couldn't shut my face... and those were only recently. I have a long past of hurting others and a bigger one of being hurt. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this, other than I want to apologize to these people. Well, maybe not my most recent ex, not yet. But the others. I've been a piece of shit to a lot of people. :/

Gonna catch up on AGT now.

so it's been a month...

Hey blog. Things have been busy. I've moved to my destination city, things have actually been not so great. Been really lonely, actually. That's what I get for not knowing too many people here (but really the Emerald City was where I knew the most people, so anywhere would be like this...). But I expect I'll meet people slowly.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday. While I have so many issues besides food issues, I do have an eating disorder and I need to get things under control. No more binging, no more purging. I've realized I have to treat my body right. I haven't done much about it yet (been so fatigued, haven't been eating right and my sleep schedule's fucked), but I'm getting the urge to. I need to eat right. I need to sleep. I need to exercise. Might take up the couch to 5k running plan.

I had a near death experience today. I was almost hit by a car - it was sort of my fault because I was completely exhausted and not being mindful. It missed me by a few inches. But somehow I wasn't hit. I feel like maybe this was supposed to be a wake up call. Dorothy, get your shit together. I've been feeling incredibly bad these past few days. Did something really shameful and embarrassing last week and ever since I've been wanting to hide from the world. And I've been off my meds. So clearly, taking major steps backward instead of forward. Good job, D. But I've gotta work on this, and I gotta work hard. I find it hard to work hard because historically I've never really cared enough, but perhaps now is the time to suck it up and learn.

I think I'm finally getting my smarts. :) now to just ACT on them.

Been awhile!

Sorry, blog. I was in (insert name of city I'm moving to) for 10 days and it was amazing. I'm really excited to move. I found an amazing place to live (at least for the summer), got to hang with some really awesome friends, and felt like the dark stormclouds were lifting away.

And then I came back home, to stay at my parents' house for a couple of weeks. I got back a week ago and it's been really bad. My eating disorder in particular has flared up something fierce. I've either been seriously binging or binging and purging... I just finished up a pretty extensive purging session. :/ I hate myself for doing this. Ah well.

I'm going away for what is essentially a big party this weekend, so hopefully that will up my spirits. And I move out for real on the first... so a week and a half. You can do this, Dorothy. I wish I weren't home, I wish I weren't home, I wish I weren't home.

Back in Kansas

Kansas being synonymous with my parents' house being synonymous with hell.

Now that my IOP is done, I had to vacate my nice third floor living space in a good area to come back to the boonies in the house where my mother lives. My mother and I have a very strained, disturbingly codependent relationship. We have a lot of boundary issues - namely she crosses my boundaries trying to do things for me without me asking (and enabling me to get away with never doing things because in the past I also had lack of caring problems), and I, at heart fiercely independent and determined to do things my own way, feel violated a whole lot. I really have very little affection for my mother. Yes, she's done a lot for me and I appreciate her and even love her to an extent, but as far as trusting her, tolerating her, wanting her to be really present in my life... yeah it's hard for me to do any of these. In reality I want to do thing I did with my ex boyfriend who also tried to control my life - run far away and stay out of contact for a long, long time. She's really toxic to me. I know people say family first, but what if I legitimately do not feel that way? I am close to three members of my extensive family: my cousin, my sister, and my father. I feel like everyone else doesn't really get me or know me... probably because I put walls up (but then again I am also into super weird hobbies). My friends, though, they are more like my family.

But I still struggle with letting people all the way in*. I broke some of my walls down at rehab, but it still frightens me to let people see the darkness I have in my heart. My shadow, as a movement teacher I had would call it. I can be a pretty awful, despicable human being. I've done terrible things, physically hurt people, lied so much that it's often hard for me not to lie now... I've got a lot of emptiness. I don't mean I'm Dexter Morgan or anything, but sometimes I find it really hard to feel empathy or remorse. It's scary admitting that. I'm hoping it's just the depression I've been in my whole life. And all the hurt and anger I've stuffed. And all the love I've tried to give others only to give none to myself. I have to get a heart. For me.

Anyway now I must pack to go visit the city I am moving to at the end of the month. Let's hope I find a place to live that allows dogs.

*...that's what she said.

Depression

There is no doubt in my mind that I am suffering through a depressive episode. I'm not sitting around moping, I'm not sad... I'm not really feeling anything, honestly. I think depression differs from sadness in that most of the time when you're depressed, you're just numb. And I feel numb. (Also anxious, because in less than a week I'll be looking for a new place to live in an entirely new city. I don't move completely until the end of June, but I'm already getting anxiety of both kinds over it.)

This numbness is the hardest emotion to deal with, because it makes me just not care. There is a lot I need to be doing today, and here I am writing a blog because I just don't care enough to say, organize my stuff before I pack it up. It's a beautiful day outside (except for the fact that it's almost 90 and muggy) and I am indoors, feeling nothing.

I hope this goes away soon. I'll force myself to do some stuff, but I really hope I'm out of the doldrums soon.

Guilt

So I've been incredibly depressed for the last few days. I'm guessing the cause is grief. I've lost my best friend, essentially. Dogs, unlike a lot of the people I've experienced, love you unconditionally. I got that from him. I loved him unconditionally, too. And now there's a void... there's still love, but there's this empty pit and it's sucking all of my joy into it. And then there's the guilt. I have so much guilt over putting him down. Even though he was really sick, he still enjoyed life. I could have had more time with him. He was so scared when he was sedated, he didn't know what was going on... that's what hurts me the most.  I feel so guilty for how scary this all must have been for him. I mean we were there, we were comforting him, but still... Fuck. I miss him so much.

Tomorrow is my last day of IOP and I'm not gonna lie I'm looking forward to it being over. I'm going to drop acid with a couple of friends tomorrow night - which is probably a terrible idea given the fact that I'm grieving, but I'll try to make the best of it. I've done a lot of drugs while I've been here. So much so that this should probably be an Alice in Wonderland themed blog (lol that's a theme that totally works, too). I know, I know. Complete irresponsibility. But honestly... I feel like I will for sure be able to cut back when I move. Give it up for awhile. Not forever, since I won't lie... I really enjoy recreational drug use. But until I am on steadier footing. For now, though, this is a thing I have to get out of my system. I feel pretty guilty, but that's the honest truth about it. If I only had a brain I probably wouldn't go the route I'm going, but I do things my way and my way is often not the easiest path.