Monday, October 3, 2011

Another late night

Story of my life. Living life like a normal person has so far proved impossible for me. My body, no matter what time I go to bed (though usually it's late) does not seem to physically wake up until around 1 pm. It's been throwing my forward momentum (of which there was little, but some!) completely off track. I have little to show for myself at the moment. I've been off my meds for at least a couple of weeks and while I feel guilt about it it's so easy to skip them... the Lamictal is like a horse pill. I haven't been taking my vitamins either.  I just haven't been taking care of myself across the board. I acknowledge that. I've also been dodging one of my therapists for a couple of weeks now. It just gets so easy to keep avoiding.

I realize, in my head at least, that I need to step the fuck up and take the reins of my own recovery. I have to put in the effort. But it's so hard to do that when you don't care. I want to care! Can I just force myself to care? I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "Dorothy, I care about you. I want you to be happy. Go make yourself happy." And then go make myself happy - not happy in the moment with drugs or the internet or something that will ultimately lead me nowhere real, but really happy, where i want to be with my life. Healthy, skinny, creating, working, loving, living. I am none of these right now.

I have an audition tomorrow. I haven't acted in a year and a half pretty much. I'm out of practice with my monologues, like incredibly out of practice. I will just give it what I've got right now. It might go terribly and I most likely won't get the part (only one female role), but hey... it's something. It's a baby step in the right direction.