Friday, June 3, 2011

Back in Kansas

Kansas being synonymous with my parents' house being synonymous with hell.

Now that my IOP is done, I had to vacate my nice third floor living space in a good area to come back to the boonies in the house where my mother lives. My mother and I have a very strained, disturbingly codependent relationship. We have a lot of boundary issues - namely she crosses my boundaries trying to do things for me without me asking (and enabling me to get away with never doing things because in the past I also had lack of caring problems), and I, at heart fiercely independent and determined to do things my own way, feel violated a whole lot. I really have very little affection for my mother. Yes, she's done a lot for me and I appreciate her and even love her to an extent, but as far as trusting her, tolerating her, wanting her to be really present in my life... yeah it's hard for me to do any of these. In reality I want to do thing I did with my ex boyfriend who also tried to control my life - run far away and stay out of contact for a long, long time. She's really toxic to me. I know people say family first, but what if I legitimately do not feel that way? I am close to three members of my extensive family: my cousin, my sister, and my father. I feel like everyone else doesn't really get me or know me... probably because I put walls up (but then again I am also into super weird hobbies). My friends, though, they are more like my family.

But I still struggle with letting people all the way in*. I broke some of my walls down at rehab, but it still frightens me to let people see the darkness I have in my heart. My shadow, as a movement teacher I had would call it. I can be a pretty awful, despicable human being. I've done terrible things, physically hurt people, lied so much that it's often hard for me not to lie now... I've got a lot of emptiness. I don't mean I'm Dexter Morgan or anything, but sometimes I find it really hard to feel empathy or remorse. It's scary admitting that. I'm hoping it's just the depression I've been in my whole life. And all the hurt and anger I've stuffed. And all the love I've tried to give others only to give none to myself. I have to get a heart. For me.

Anyway now I must pack to go visit the city I am moving to at the end of the month. Let's hope I find a place to live that allows dogs.

*...that's what she said.

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