Monday, May 23, 2011

And we're back.

Sorry for the hiatus, folks... had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do and that was to put my childhood dog to sleep over the weekend. I don't really want to go into details (I was there the whole time), but suffice it to say my grief is pretty profound and I miss him so much already. I tend to be closer to animals than I am to people (they love me unconditionally, after all), and I was exceptionally close to this dog, so this is the hardest loss I've ever experienced. I did get his pawprint tattooed on my foot the evening of, so that's helped a bit, but the thought of going back to my parents' home and him not being there causes me a lot of pain and anxiety.

I did not cope well with his passing. The minute I left my parents' house, I drove to see my weed guy and picked up, and that night I smoked a couple of bowls and drank an entire bottle of cheap chardonnay straight from the bottle. I know I am supposed to be implementing coping mechanisms into my life for things like this... but what about when the pain is too great and you just don't want to feel anymore? I couldn't take spending the evening crying as I'd been crying all day. I just don't think I'm emotionally strong enough at this point to handle such loss on my own.

But last night I spent the night at a former professors' (and now friends) house and sitting on the porch with one of them, smoking weed, I sort of found peace in it. He was telling me about his sister, who had, her whole life, been mousy and quiet and didn't really do much for herself. But after she experienced a profound loss - her husband, in this case - it changed her. She felt like she could do anything. And that's where I'm at. I mean, I'm not over his death, not by a long shot, but being there for him, watching him die, made me think about my own mortality, and my desire to do something, to make it places. And there's so many paths I can take from here. I'm most interested in music right now... I've been writing my own song lyrics/melodies (I can't compose music for shit so I will have to find someone to do that), and would really like to do something with them. My ex-prof thinks I could really go far with it. Hey, at this point, I will take any ego boost I can get.

No comments:

Post a Comment