So I've been incredibly depressed for the last few days. I'm guessing the cause is grief. I've lost my best friend, essentially. Dogs, unlike a lot of the people I've experienced, love you unconditionally. I got that from him. I loved him unconditionally, too. And now there's a void... there's still love, but there's this empty pit and it's sucking all of my joy into it. And then there's the guilt. I have so much guilt over putting him down. Even though he was really sick, he still enjoyed life. I could have had more time with him. He was so scared when he was sedated, he didn't know what was going on... that's what hurts me the most. I feel so guilty for how scary this all must have been for him. I mean we were there, we were comforting him, but still... Fuck. I miss him so much.
Tomorrow is my last day of IOP and I'm not gonna lie I'm looking forward to it being over. I'm going to drop acid with a couple of friends tomorrow night - which is probably a terrible idea given the fact that I'm grieving, but I'll try to make the best of it. I've done a lot of drugs while I've been here. So much so that this should probably be an Alice in Wonderland themed blog (lol that's a theme that totally works, too). I know, I know. Complete irresponsibility. But honestly... I feel like I will for sure be able to cut back when I move. Give it up for awhile. Not forever, since I won't lie... I really enjoy recreational drug use. But until I am on steadier footing. For now, though, this is a thing I have to get out of my system. I feel pretty guilty, but that's the honest truth about it. If I only had a brain I probably wouldn't go the route I'm going, but I do things my way and my way is often not the easiest path.