Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Call me Dorothy.

I know, it's not my real name. I'm not going to post that here because I have relatives that occasionally snoop around the internet and honestly I'm not too keen on them reading this at this point in my life.

Anyway, hi. For all intents and purposes, my name is Dorothy. I hail from a town in the midwest and I am in my early-mid twenties. I love small, scruffy dogs and  I consider myself an artist, mostly in acting and singing, though I also love writing, drawing... anything that involves creating, really. It is my dream to pursue a career as an artist. I have a lot of talent to offer. However...

I am nowhere near a place in my life where I can be successful. I am lost in the strange, frightening world of mental illness.

The past year and a half of my life - really 2 years, since I graduated college - have been one hellish shitstorm. A giant tornado, if you will. It swept me off of my feet and caught me up in a vicious, violent downward spiral until I finally snapped and was planted face first into a strange world full of supportive individuals whom I quickly befriended. Yeah. I went to rehab. I healed a lot there. I was so broken when I went in, from a whole lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse, childhood trauma (nothing comparatively serious, but enough to really affect me), isolation and extreme self hatred. While I was at rehab, I experienced the feeling of self love, like, really felt it, for the very first time in my entire life. I felt safe, secure. I had friends who I connected to on an incredibly deep level. I was spiritually refreshed, confident, and keen on moving forward with my life.

Then I left. I came back to the gray, chilly rain of the midwest where I grew up and it's all gone to shit. I feel like I've lost my only healthy support system. I isolate again, I dwell on the negatives, I feel so hopeless here. I'm in limbo - just here to go to treatment M-F which provides a shell of the experience that rehab did - and then I'm moving (but more on that later). I'm learning coping mechanisms and new ways of thinking but I skipped it this morning because I just felt so fucking lousy. Which made me feel even lousier. So I said to myself, "Dorothy. You gotta hold yourself accountable for once." So, like I have my entire life, I turned to the internet. That's a viable support system, right? You gotta get it where you can...

So from here, I have to just follow the yellow brick road, I guess. More like the HELL-ow brick road. It's not going to be a cakewalk. My 'shadow' is one powerful motherfucker. And I am not really into the 12 step thing. It's just one step at a time down this banana-colored bitch. I'll need to pick up some friends, of course. Some smarts, some love, some courage and determination. Also a little scruffy dog. With all that in tow maybe I can make it to the emerald city of health and sunshine and puppies and success. Yeah. That would be swell. I guess we'll see.

PS. I know this was super hokey... trust me it will be much more normal in the future. I intend to use this blog to honestly document my dealing with and recovery from bipolar II disorder - and to also reach out to people also struggling with their mental illnesses but maybe don't know where to go from rock bottom. I guarantee you I will have lapses so you may experience disappointment, disgust, and disenfranchisement. But maybe it'll be an entertaining read, at the very least!


  1. God can i relate, to everything you wrote, everything. rehab is such a shitty experience when you're there because the only thing you're thinking about is getting the hell out...but, you realize after you're gone and have to face the world and the triggers and the demons and the lonliness and judgements and responsibilities, blah blah blah that rehab was a really nice place. i didn't even realize how much the people i met there impacted my life at the time. for the first time there was a group of like-minded people around me, people who had all kinds of issues but just bonded because of it. it felt nurturing and loving, and supportive, and we all (mostly) became very close, quickly. when it's time to leave you can't wait to get the f out, and i know i said i'd keep in touch with everyone because i really wanted to, each person had carved a special dwelling place in my heart. but it's not so easily done when miles apart you realize that getting back together again is probably not going to happen...i will follow you dorothy on this shitty yellow road that will maybe become bright like the sun somedays, and other days look like calf shit. i look forward to the adventure and my time spent reading your moments of thoughts, and if you fall, that's great because i'll probably already be down with you checking out the ants in the mortar. but when you're doing the "off to see the wizard dance" i'll be there too, trying like hell to keep up with you because i'm not the beautiful singing talented stage-presence dorothy, i'll be your shadow like the audience in the film. lovin' you all the way, no matter what course you're on...

  2. Hey you. I love you and I'm following and you know if there's anything I can ever do, let me know.