Thursday, May 19, 2011

Laundry day

So since this is an honest blog, I'll be honest with you. Didn't go to treatment this morning. Cold mornings are exceptionally difficult for this less than motivated individual. Today I feel less motivated about it... I average 3-4 days a week going to this thing already. I finish it next friday (so I guess I'll try to go all days next week?). But that seems like so much time. I'm not nervous to get out. I look forward to it, actually. I'm learning some coping tools and haven't really put many to use yet, but I am determined to really work towards my recovery once I move. It's so easy to slip into my old ways here - not leaving my place for days except for quick trips, spend exorbitant amounts of time socializing on the internet rather than going out and seeing friends, occasionally doing drugs... Pretty much everything I shouldn't be doing to be healthy. This is not a healthy place for me. These are not my people.

Anyway, in an effort to be moderately productive in my lapse, I am finally doing laundry. I can't tell you how many days I've been freeballin. Well I have no free pants left now except workout pants (and I've got enough class to not go out in public in them) and thus, it was time. I've got a load in now, and I guess it feels good to get something done today, as minor as it is.

I feel like if people took a cursory look at my life for the past couple of years they would probably think I'm a loser. Some days I think I'm a loser - but that's negative self talk and I have to stop that. The truth is, of course, that this half-life of mine is safe. It's safe to hang out inside all day. It's safe to socialize on the internet. There's safety in a good high. It's not that I'm not a risk taker... I just take all the bad risks. I've put my body in harm's way many a time. But I have a really hard time doing that with my inner person. Not socializing means no ridicule, no rejection. I don't necessarily fear these things nowadays but this is easy and safe and damn, some days I don't care enough to want to change.

It's just one of those IDGAFF days.  I don't give a fucking fuck.

But I guess I care enough to get to my therapist, so... until tomorrow, munchkins.

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